


Introduction

by Whuffie



Series: The Harried Herald and her Merry Misfits [3]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-30 22:18:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3953863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whuffie/pseuds/Whuffie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Contains spoilers for Blackwall and Dragon Age Inquisition.)<br/>I've made a lot of gut sinking choices since I became known as the "Herald of Andraste."  Most of them I can live with myself for making.  The others I've been able to bury deep enough that they don't make me lose sleep.  Seeing Blackwall in prison was a moment which is going to haunt me for a long time.  I heard the echos of him slapping the bars long after I was in daylight and temporarily left him behind in that hole.  Although I managed to liberate him, we never really talked it through.  My best friend lied to me, and I didn't know who he really was.  We sorely needed to clear the air.  This is the story of that conversation.<br/>(#1 of a 365 prompt Writing Challenge)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Introduction

[From this challenge.](http://100themeschallenge.deviantart.com/journal/Variation-1-225271824)

 

They brought him to me in chains, and all I could do was grit my teeth until it hurt. I watched his once alert head hang in defeat, and boots which carried him rushing to my side shuffled shamefully toward me. I wanted to tell my own guards to let him go, but I couldn’t. The Inquisition had already risked a carefully tended reputation. We’d all fought to lay it as intently as any mason builds a sturdy wall. Yet, it never entered my mind not to pull Thom Rainier from his cell. His eyes lifted, and I could see resignation mingled with a hint of anger as he met my gaze. I tried to give nothing in my expression. All the turmoil had to be locked away behind a carefully tended mask. I’d built it no differently than we had the Inquisition, and brick by brick, I hid most of my real thoughts.

My friend was in chains, and he’d been thrown at my feet like a common criminal. To the world, that was what he was: traitor, liar, coward, deceiver. No doubt some of my closest friends would share the opinion. To me he was friend, protector, confidant, and a brave man. I had to make the decision what I was going to believe about him before the longest walk I’d ever taken up to the throne of judgement. My trudge through numbing snow after Haven which had nearly finished me hadn’t felt so long, but I was all that stood between my friend and the gallows. Maker help me, I wouldn’t let the hangman have him. Void take anyone who tried to hurt the man who had fought dragons for me, saved my life from scorpion venom, and taken blows from demons which should have been mine.

I know some of my feelings had gotten out, and I’d never be like Vivienne or Leliana. They knew how to compose themselves so well that their inner thoughts never leaked unless it was to their advantage. I’m too honest a woman for that, but I went through the exhausting, terrifying trial of Thom Rainier. At least it was brief. I could say that much for it.

When it the manacles were taken off his wrists, I vanished for over an hour into my seldom used quarters. Not in any mood to be disturbed, I barred the door behind me. Where I really wanted to be was in the stables with my horse, Coffee, or talking to Cullen. The first was with Blackwall, and the second wasn’t someone who I was ready to face, yet. I needed to introduce myself to the familiar stranger who was making a rocking griffon in my barn, first.

After pacing my room numerous times, my hands stopped shaking. I only trusted my voice once my face was washed in the basin. Staring at myself in the mirror as water dripped down my nose, I looked scarier than I thought I usually did. That might be just as well for the Mighty Inquisitor, and I took a deep breath. That fogged up the mirror but didn’t make me feel much better. It was time, and with the same headstrong lack of planning which made my hand glow in the dark, I charged down to the stables. No one was foolish enough to hand me anything or get in my way.

“Leave us alone for awhile,” I warned Master Dennet. He had a knowing look on his face and took the bridle of a brown and white splashed horse. Evidently it was time to take the mare for a walk, and if horses didn’t get taken for walks, it was a good time to start. 

When I moved into the gloom of the stables I cleared my throat to get his attention. “How shall I refer to you, Rainer or Blackwall?” My voice was steady and my stance collected, but I was grinding my back teeth again. I don’t think he noticed because he was far too calm when he answered.

“I’ve gotten used to Blackwall. Perhaps we could treat it less of a name and more of a title – almost like ‘Inquisitor.’ It reminds me of what I ought to be.”

This was the Blackwall I knew, so I nodded. Walling back another flood of emotions, I allowed, “Everyone needs something to aspire to.” 

“Exactly. I’m glad you understand.”

That was the last burr in my pants I could stand, and I marched over to him and swatted him hard across the arm. “Understand!” I screeched at him like a wounded phoenix, elevating myself to my toes to yell in his face. “Understand?! I don’t understand a damned thing about this! I don’t understand how I got myself into this stupid fix of judging you in the first place! I don’t understand how I’m going to kill an unkillable darkspawn with a pet archdemon! I don’t understand the right or wrong of what happened with you!”

I think that was only the second time I’d ever seen Blackwall flummoxed, and he recoiled to stare at me. Rubbing his arm, he looked away. “I told you that you shouldn’t have set me free. I was ready to pay for my crimes. Is this how it’s going to be now between you and me?”

“How what’s going to be!” I yelled, stomping to the doorway to glare daggers at an inquisitive guard who was probably coming to my defense. I doubt everyone trusted Blackwall very much any more. “Don’t bother us!” I roared at the helpless victim. I’d apologize later, but I was in a temperamental lather. It didn’t matter who got in the way. “I’m ... Inquisitioning!” He scurried, which was the smart thing to do, rather than tell me how idiotic I must have sounded. 

I whirled back toward Blackwall. “I couldn’t leave you there! I know you did wrong, but how could I! How?! I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you! Cassandra told me how you saved my life in the Wastelands!”

“Like I told you then, you’d have done the same for any of us. I was ready to do the right thing in Val Royeaux.” He raised his voice stubbornly to match mine, clenching his fists at his sides. “I never wanted you to be there or to do any of this. I was ready for it all to end!”

I was irrationally glad he was yelling back at me. I needed people to be honest, and it didn’t get much more open than a screaming match. I caught a glimpse of gold and brown peering over one of the ramparts overhead, and realized Cullen was leaning over to check on me. That meant most of Skyhold could probably hear me, but I’d had enough of everything. If they couldn’t accept that the Inquisitor had to occasionally do Herald-y things at the top of her voice, they could jump in the well. “I’m fine!” I belted to my concerned Commander and spun on my boot heel. “I couldn’t – I wouldn’t – I...” I wasn’t making any sense, and I couldn’t stop myself. Tears sprung out of my eyes and tracked down my face as I threw my arms around Blackwall’s middle. “You’re my best friend!” I was still loud enough for Crestwood to hear, but it was muffled because my face was buried in the padding over Blackwall’s shoulder. “I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t. You always protected me, listened to me, you ... you ... you’re my friend,” I repeated almost hysterically and squeezed his ribs.

I probably would have gone completely berserk with sobbing if he hadn’t used my name and given me a good shake by the shoulders. He might have returned the smack across the face had I not calmed down, but I doubt he wanted to resort to that. For one thing, I might have set the barn on fire and needed Cullen to sit on me with a Cleansing if I got any angrier. Blackwall could do a lot of things, but he wasn’t a templar. 

He gave me another jostle and forced me to look at him through strands of stray blond hair. He used my real name a second time, and insisted, “I’m not worth that.”

“Shut up,” I sniffled. Pawing at my face I was humiliated, but relaxing. “Just shut up, Papa Bear.” I never called any of the people by the nicknames I gave them in my head, but charged onward without missing a breath. “Do you think Cullen is perfect? Do you think he’s not working every day in some ways to redeem himself for things he did in Kirkwall?” That made Blackwall pause and study me. I loved Cullen, and he knew exactly what my relationship was like with the Commander. “Why do you think he’s so driven?”

“That’s different,” Blackwall argued automatically, “he was following orders, no different than my men.”

“He still knew,” I said softly, and put a hand on Blackwall’s arm. “At the end, he defied his Knight Commander. Years still went by where he didn’t do things that he should have, and followed orders he knew he should have disobeyed. He’s a good man who made some bad choices, but so are you. Not all of my choices have been sterling, either, but I do the best that I can.” History might or might not be kind about the wrong ones.

There was a pause which was long enough to be slightly awkward as he chewed that over. I suspected he was thinking about arguing with me some more then decided against it. Instead, he folded his arms across his chest and demanded, “Did you call me a bear?”

I think there were times that most of them had no idea what exactly to make of me, and I lifted my chin defiantly. “Papa Bear.” It was out, so I refused to apologize for it. I can be stubborn, too. “You’re Papa Bear. You’ve been making sure I’ve been safe since the first minute I met you. You, Cassandra, and Bull are always the ones who are in the front, fighting for me. You’re fierce as a bear and just as strong as one.” 

He just stared at me for several more heartbeats. Of all the things I could have come up with, I think I found one he hadn’t been expecting. “You think too much of me,” he said finally. 

“You don’t think enough of yourself,” I shot back with a scowl. “Don’t be the Warden you were pretending to be, and don’t be the traitor you thought you were. Be yourself. Be the man who brought me back here from the Western Approach when I would have died. Be the man who has encouraged me to help people who couldn’t take care of themselves. Be the man who has the sense of humor that blindsides Solas and Cassandra once in awhile. Be -” I wanted to say Papa Bear, but I decided to pretend I hadn’t brought that up. “Just be you. That’s who I’ve trusted all these months.”

“Me? The man I am? I barely know him but he –,” Blackwall caught a sigh in his teeth. “I have a lot to make up for.”

“You also have a rocking griffon to finish.”

“You would make light of it,” he answered gruffly, but he no longer sounded angry. 

“That’s what keeps me sane. Most of the time,” I amended with a faint smile, “Blackwall. I suppose I can say it’s good to meet you, finally.”

He relented, and shook my hand when I offered it, probably to humor me.


End file.
